Rantopolis

Category — Weather or not

Announcing the impending invasion

I can’t remember a day this summer when it hasn’t either been raining or more than 90 degrees.  Except for those days when it was raining and 90 degrees.

This has easily been the crappiest weather-related summer in my entire life.

Apparently Chicago has been relocated to the rainforest.

One of the joys of living in Chicago has always been the opportunity to enjoy the outdoors after a brutal winter.  This year our definition of happiness is making it home without having a tree branch hurl itself through the windshield.

I’ve watched the weather radar on my iPhone so much, it’s replaced Facebook as my most frequently used app.  That should tell you everything you need to know.

But here’s the most important thing.  I’m scared.  Oh, this isn’t about either the heat or the storms.

It’s about the impending invasion.

I believe with great certainty that we are currently incubating mosquitoes the size of Greenland.

The species size and ferociousness will require the donning of a full beekeeper’s suit before leaving the premises.

Mosquitoes absolutely love me.  However, my body usually has an adverse reaction.  (Welts, intense itching and complete misery.)

So, in addition to slathering myself with insect repellent, I think I’m going to lease a crop dusting plane to hover over me every time I exit the building.  I need it to dump gallons of pesticide all around me.

I’ll worry about the cancer and toxic effect on the environment later.

Listen up you blood suckers.  I’ve got you in my cross hairs.

August 7, 2011   3 Comments

Hunkering down in the heat wave

If you are reading this today and living in the United States, odds are that you are also experiencing craptastic weather.

Obscenities.

I don’t know about you, but when Fahrenheit temperatures reach triple digits, I am not the happiest of campers.  Chicagoans are used to dealing with “wind chill” numbers in the winter, but a “heat index” of more than 110 degrees is not a usual occurrence around these parts.

To make things a little more complicated in the ivory tower in which I live, the elements pummel my windows on three exposures—east, west and north.  So today, in addition to running all of the air conditioning units, all of the room darkening blinds have been lowered.

A 20 ft wall of darkness. One blind slightly raised to periodically check the scorched earth.

You can call it energy conservation.  Or a possible trial run for a future stint in the witness protection program.

So, while the sun was blazing outdoors, indoors it looked like an AMC Movieplex. Without the popcorn and large boxes of Milk Duds.  (They usually don’t serve poached salmon at the movie theater, right?)

If you have to hunker down, having a big flat screen, recliner and a remote control makes the suckass weather suck a little less.

Hope you are keeping cool and safe.

July 21, 2011   5 Comments

What was I thinking: a photo essay

No doubt about it.  Mother Nature has been pissed off at Chicago this year.

Yet another gloomy weekend.

With the wind howling and the snow blowing…again…I decided this would be a good day to get rid of some old client files and organize tax records.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.

So first I pull the old client files down from the top shelf of the storage closet.

Files, the box that my car's CD changer came in and wine glasses (still in the Crate & Barrel boxes).

After I pulled the boxes down, the shelf looked like this:

Banker boxes had just been pulled down from the top shelf.

Then I had to pull folders out of the filing cabinet and put them into banker boxes, organized by years.

Don't ask about the paper cuts.

Long about this time, I am tired and sore from lifting heavy boxes and moving files around.  Time for a snack!

What I really wanted was about 60 Oreos with a Ben & Jerry's chaser.

Fortified with the grapefruit, it was time for the worse part of the project.  I used a small step stool to lift boxes filed with paper over my head.  Each contained about 50 pounds.  You know I’m not an Olympic weight lifter, right? Did I mention the .217-inches of clearance between the top of the box and the ceiling?

My biceps are now in splints.

Done?  Oh no.  Now it’s time to take the old files on a little trip.

Taking 200 pounds of paper on an elevator ride.

Just so they can end up in a recycling graveyard.

Ba-bye paper. Enjoy your reincarnation.

After hours of heavy lifting, there was only one thing left to do.

Maybe I should have started here first.

March 5, 2011   Comments Off on What was I thinking: a photo essay

It’s the little things…

Temps reached the mid-40s today in Chicago and it was sunny.

You woulda thought somebody won the Power Ball.

Jog cam

We Midwesterners are hardy stock.  And we Chicagoans know one two things for certain.  The Cubs haven’t won a World Series in more than a hundred years and that winter is going to suck.  It’s fine if we bitch about it, but the second someone from another part of the country starts in with “I have no idea why you people live there,” we want to beat them upside the head with a deep-dish pizza.

After two months of working out indoors with both a virtual and a real trainer (two different entities.  I haven’t had my psychotic break with reality yet), I am ready to run outdoors.  What better place to jog through than Lincoln Park and the zoo.

Small problem.  With the exception of some sea lions swimming around a huge pool and a lazy polar bear, no visible animals.

My guess?  They are all sitting in a time-share ark in Cozumel.  Somehow the sea lions and the polar bear got unfriended.

Spring can’t come fast enough.  And maybe this year, the Cubs can…..oh, nevermind!

March 1, 2011   Comments Off on It’s the little things…

Is it spring yet?

Apparently not.  Sigh.

I love my city most of the time.  During winter…not so much.  Last night was  “not so much”  times ten.

Lake Shore Drive. Chicago's newest parking lot.

Third worst winter storm to hit Chicago…ever.   Almost two feet of snow, winds up to 70mph.  If that wasn’t enough we had thunder and lightning.  The weather people called it ThunderSnow.  I call it obnoxious.

My beloved Lake Shore Drive turned into a parking lot with hundreds of stranded motorists and abandoned cars.  Twenty-four hours later, all of the cars have not yet been removed.

Tonight?  Oh…we’re getting wind chills of minus 35 degrees F.  Charming.

And that postal carrier motto….“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds”….yeah, well whoever wrote that didn’t take Snowmaggedon into account.

Today, a more accurate motto would be:

“There’s pretty much zero chance that I’m delivering your mail today.  Not really sure about tomorrow either right now.  What did you expect for 44 cents?”


February 2, 2011   4 Comments

A sign of impending snow-mageddon

What is wrong with this picture?

Hint:  the absence of what normally resides here is a sign that the snow-pacolypse is just around the corner.

This is the shopping cart bay at my local Dominicks grocery store.  This is what it looked like at 5 pm on Monday night.  Every spot in the parking lot was taken and every shopping cart was in use.

Why?  Snopanic.  (Third cutsey snow reference.  Too much? Snosorry.)  People were heeding the warnings and stocking up on staples.  (Okay, not really ’cause for that, they would be headed to Office Depot…but you know what I mean.)

The weather folks are saying that Chicago is about to get hammered with close to two feet of snow.  The heavy-duty stuff is supposed to start tomorrow later in the day and continue into Wednesday.

Before it’s all over, schools will probably be closed, some people will be unable to go to work, parts of the city may buried.  But one thing is as certain as dead people voting in Chicago elections….there will be a whole lot of ranting going on.

January 31, 2011   1 Comment