Category — People are stupid

Idiots at the ATM

Unless you are a visitor from another galaxy or someone born before women had the right to vote, you should know how to use an ATM.

How difficult is it to shove a card into a horizontal hole and type in your PIN?!

Apparently, very.

Hell, the damn thing even speaks about 10 languages.  So unless you are from Papua New Guinea that shouldn’t be an excuse.

If I stand behind one more idiot that doesn’t know how to complete a transaction in less than a minute, I’m going to go into ATM rage.

Take, for example, the little incident that happened during lunch.

I had raced to the health club for my 12:15 p.m. spin class.  With five minutes to spare (the parking gods were smiling on me today), I pit stop at the Chase ATM located  inside the building.  I figured, this should only be a 30 second detour.  Stick the card in, punch in the PIN and deposit my check.

Uh. No.

There’s a repair guy working on one ATM and a woman with the I.Q. of a lint brush attempting to make a deposit on the other.

(This is the part where I tell the blood vessels in my brain to please not cause a stroke.)

She kept shoving formerly folded, wrinkled checks into the deposit slot and the machine kept rejecting them.  Further, she doesn’t get the concept of sticking all the checks in at one time.  Even though those instructions are clearly displayed on the screen.  (Mr. ATM repair guy even tells her the same thing verbally. The only think missing was the Goodyear Blimp flashing instructions.)

By now, I’m dangerously close to missing the start of my class.  Which, of course, means I have to become assertive.  Here’s what I want to say:

Listen up.  You are so incredibly stupid that you should only deal directly with bank tellers. Most of them are equally as stupid so so you should get along just fine.  Please leave the ATMs to people who can actually read instructions and don’t wad their checks into a ball before attempting to deposit them. 

However, this is what I actually say:

Hi.  I’m sorry to disturb you, but my class is about to start.  Do you mind if I just deposit one check.  I’ll be done in less than 30 seconds.

She turns around and looks at me like I’ve spoken to her in Sanskrit.

Oh lord.  Please don’t make me reach up and pull you away from the machine by your hair.  (Which incidentally would be really cute if this were still the 80s.)

Lucky for her she decides to cancel her eighth deposit attempt and step away from the machine.  Thirty seconds letter, I’m walking away with the receipt in my hands.

Oh, and if you are one of those idiots that doesn’t know how much money you have in your account, don’t even think of standing in front of me when you start playing the “let’s see how much money I can get out of this ATM.” Watching you guess withdrawal denominations in $10 increments does not amuse me.

I bet you are the same person who holds up a grocery store check out line by attempting to pay by check.


February 28, 2012   1 Comment

Words that make you look stupid

Okay, I’ll say it.  Patience is not my greatest virtue.  However, it becomes non-existent when people use certain words.  Here’s my “voted most likely to cause an aneurysm” list.

See this? It's called a dictionary. Buy it. Read it. Learn it.

1.  Supposably.  Seriously?  You think this is a word? Newsflash.  It isn’t.  The correct word is “supposedly.”  If you use “supposably,” you are an idiot.

2.  Irregardless.  Did you flunk preschool?  It’s “regardless,” you moron.  “Irregardless” only exists in the cesspool known as your brain.

3.  Aks, instead of ask.  If you use “aks” in my presence, I will take an “ax” to your head.  I mean it.

4.  I could care less.  Really, pin head?  It’s “I couldn’t care less.”  As in “I couldn’t care less” if someone turns off your life support.

5.  Anyways.   Can you actually dress yourself in the morning?  You can? Then maybe you can learn to leave the “s” off at the end of this word so you don’t come across as a third-grade dropout.  (These people also say “towards.”  Shudder.)

6. Fixin’ to.  Nice one, Jethro.  I bet you also use the word “vittles,” too.  Why don’t you try using, “getting ready to,” unless you really are a Clampett.  Only then will I give you a hall pass.

I actually have more, but these six already have made me rip my eyes out with a melon baller, so I cannot bring myself to continue.

However, I am still capable of reaching into your mouth and yanking your tongue out should you use any of the six words or phrases in my presence.

Consider yourself warned.

November 22, 2011   6 Comments

New level of stupid.

Okay, so that may sound a bit harsh, but it’s actually a kinder expression than what first came to my mind which was…You are a fucking moron.

Let me describe the situation and you can let me know if you agree.

I received a cryptic email earlier today from a woman whom I haven’t spoken to in more than 20 years.  A mutual business associate suggested that she give me a call but she didn’t indicate what she wanted to talk to me about.  Having been out of the office most of the day at a client meeting, I had a limited amount of time this afternoon to meet various deadlines, so I wanted to prescreen the request and schedule the call for a different day.

Yeah, that didn’t work out so well.  The woman decided it would be more convenient for her if she just called me right then.  I won’t bore you with the details, but the bottom line was she wanted my assistance in helping her create a business that would potentially compete with mine.

Yeah, I know. Right?!  And what the fuck?!  (This circumstance was so extreme in my opinion, that I couldn’t just use WTF.  I am forced by emotional law to spell it out.)

She started the conversation with,” I’m not sure you would be willing to help me.”

(Really, genius?!  Did you use all of your brain cells to come to that conclusion?!  On what planet do you think that a business owner would give up their business model, tricks of the trade, pricing details, etc. to a competitor?!)

Hey Steve Jobs, this is Bill Gates.  Whadya say you share some of that Apple technology with me?  (Like that’s ever gonna happen.)

It was all I could do to stop myself from telling her she was waaay to stupid to start her own business.  (I’m actually questioning how she dialed the phone by herself.  Maybe her dog helped.)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I believe in helping others.  In fact, I’ve helped several people start their own businesses.  But none of them compete with what I do, so it’s all good.  Plus, the people that I’ve helped actually have IQs in the three digits.  They also walk upright and have hands with opposing thumbs.

Maybe it’s me, but if you are trying to start a new business, you may want to remove your potential competitors from your  “can you please help me become successful” list.

Doing otherwise will get you a speed pass to a new level of stupid.

August 11, 2011   3 Comments