Rantopolis

Category — Fright night

How the rich celebrate Halloween

This is actually amusing considering most of these homes are behind gates and the owners are not likely to open them for the unwashed masses, a.k.a. trick or treaters.   However, I wanted to share a few snapshots I took while walking through the ‘hood in Chicago earlier this week.

Nothing says Halloween like hiring a company to decorate your front lawn.

You know you have too much money when you chose to purchase cobwebs.

Apparently she is looking for the ruby slippers at the bottom of a planter.

Arrrgh, matey! I buried treasure inside this pumpkin!

A new way to recycle spa robes.

Grave markers and kale. Nice color pallette.

This is what can happen after a colon cleanse.

The wealthy prefer to keep their loved ones close. As in buried right by the mailbox.

Who doesn't have a skeleton buried in their front yard?

I love the creepy butler at the top of the stairs.

Last year this house had a huge spider crawling on its exterior. This year its a 20 foot Frankenstein. (BTW, his feet are chained down so that he doesn't end up being driven away on the roof of a car.)

October 30, 2011   3 Comments

More proof why I hate public transportation

When people ask me why I have such a dislike for public transportation, may I share last night’s encounter with you as a prime example?

I was a guest at a corporate event at one of the roof-tops across from Wrigley Field.   If you’ve never been to this iconic venue, you may not know that it sits in the middle of a residential neighborhood.  The home of the Chicago Cubs isn’t one of those huge steel structures with massive parking around it.  No, sir!  This place has character.

Hence, the most viable way to go to a game is …gasp…public transportation.

While I was fortunate to arrive to the park without major incident or annoyance, the same could not be said for the return trip.

May I introduce you to “smelly, talking-to-himself, jotting down baseball stats and shouting obscenities,” dude?

He was so oblivious, that I could have done an entire photoshoot with strobe lights.

Leaving the event during the eighth inning, I made my way to the bus stop two blocks away.  As I approached the corner, I noticed there was a guy wearing headphones, talking to himself and  jotting notes down on a large piece of paper.

Great.  The mayor of Freak City was taking the same bus.

Apparently, I was not successful in telepathically communicating “don’t even think of sitting next to me” because he boarded the bus and made a direct beeline for the seat beside me.

That’s when I officially began my ride on the Stench Express.

I thought, well, if I have to endure this for the next 15 minutes, I need to make the best of this.

And by endure, I meant, “I need to start a Facebook thread and start uploading photos.”

Normally, you aren’t going to turn to the person next to you on the bus and take a photo of his/her weird behavior. Because that, of course, would be like begging to be stabbed.

But this guy was waaay more into listening to the end of the game through his headphones and shouting obscenities than committing a felony. A little thing like the click of an iPhone didn’t even make an impression.

He also was leaning into me with his right leg.  That’s when I began to have thoughts of amputation.  Did my iPhone have an app on it which could perform microsurgery?  Damn you app developers.  A little less Angry Birds, a little more switchblade, please!

But the worst part of this whole encounter was the smell.  As in “I am willing to give you my entire life savings for a gas mask” right now.

Then a miracle occurred.   He stood up and walked off the bus a good mile from my stop.

That was a two-fold benefit.  The obvious one was the smell leaving my perimeter. The second one was that  I was not going to be followed home.  Which seriously minimized my chances of being dismembered and stuffed into a garbage can.

Normally, a Cubs win would have been good enough.  But, you gotta admit, avoiding a dismemberment is right up there.

September 20, 2011   Comments Off on More proof why I hate public transportation

Fantasy apps which don’t include zombies

The aging process can be a big enough pain as it is, so you aren’t going to find me looking for ways to look uglier.

What with facials, masks, moisturizing regiments, waxing, plucking and God knows what else, I’m already spending a solid portion of my walking life trying to defy middle-age.  (May I refer you to the banner at the top of this page?)

So, when I came across the “3D Zombifier” iPhone app earlier today, I immediately reached for the garlic cloves and silver cross.  (It works for vampires, so I’m thinking it might also help with zombies.  What do I know.  I’m not a Twihard.)

Run to the nearest plastic surgeon. Seriously.

I’m definitely the wrong demographic for this app.  Clearly, I have no sense of humor when it comes to making myself uglier.  (Now, figure out a way to make me look younger and you’ve got my full, undivided attention.  I’ll become so funny that I’ll make Kathy Griffin look like Condoleeza Rice within 10 seconds.)

But just in case any app developers are listening, here’s my wish list for what you guys can work on that will make me a little happier.

1. Dow Jones fantasy app. The next time Greece, Portugal or some other fiscally-unstable country comes close to defaulting, instead of showing me those ugly red downward numbers, please create an app with floating unicorns backed by an Enya track.

2.  Weight Watchers fantasy app. I’d like an app that plays Celebrate when I put on weight.  Ideally chocolate cake topped with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s would also have the same number of points as a carrot and celery plate.

3.  Matchmaker app. This app would find me a partner based on 1040 filings, zip code and criminal record search.  That’s all the compatibility I need.

Now, that’s something I would totally pay 99 cents for.

June 15, 2011   Comments Off on Fantasy apps which don’t include zombies