Category — Florida insanity

Tales from Disney World

Or as my friend Denise calls it, The Kingdom of Hell.

Roadmap to blisters and heat exhaustion.

Required to be in Orlando for business on Monday, I thought I would take this opportunity to spend the weekend at Walt Disney World.  Because I am so tired after three days of being moused, all that I am capable of is a quick review of the highlights/lowlights.  Hi ho, hi ho…it’s off to blog, we go!

Dumb thing overheard at the Animal Kingdom:

Is that really an anteater or is that a dog with a costume on?

Dumb thing overheard at Hollywood Studios:

Mom!  I can’t believe that girl is wearing my shirt.  I don’t care though because I’m rockin’ it better than she is!

Constantly heard at the Magic Kingdom:

Children screaming non-stop for five hours.  What wasn’t heard was the quiet sound of me going insane.

Award for longest wait and lamest attraction ever:

Toy Story. Ninety minute wait only to end up on a seven minute ride where you get to shoot some targets.  If there was live ammo in that gun, I would have shot myself.

What this really means is that if you are over 50 this ride will kill you.

Weird things parents do:

Bring newborns to Disney World.  What could you be thinking?  It’s not like they are going to remember and you will be spending all of your time in the bathroom changing diapers anyway.

Most amazing meal:

Brown Derby/Hollywood Studios.  I called the manager over (who, btw, made Rupaul look straight) to compliment him on the service.)  That’s when the free stuff started to flow.  Champagne, dessert, etc.  My kind of restaurant and manager.  I even got called “sweet cakes.”  I’m guessing that’s not from the Disney handbook.

Second most amazing meal:

Sushi at Tokyo Dining in the Japan section of the World Showcase.  I have never been bowed to more in my life.  Plus the sushi killed.  Arrigato!

Restaurant voted most likely to make your eardrums bleed:

I did not realize that booking a table for lunch at the Rainforest Cafe at Animal Kingdom would be like the audio version of water boarding.  Next time I’m showing up with a machete.  (Click on the link below for nine seconds of audio hell.)


Amusing things seen at the gift shop:

Corn on the cob holders with mouse ears.  Crayons with Disney character heads. Tongs with Mickey hands on the end.  M&Ms in every color of the Pantone chart.  A $250 handbag with Disney logos. Wind chimes with Mickey heads.  4,273 key chain types.

I’m proud to say that I bought nothing, although I really eyeballed one of those African rain sticks.  Mostly because the sound momentarily pleasantly drowned out the screaming children.

Then and now:

The first time I visited the Magic Kingdom was 1975.  Those were the days of the paper ticket books and the coveted E-ticket rides.  Today’s iteration includes a fingerprint scan, iPhone apps and Fast Pass options to (allegedly) make your visit more efficient.

Back in 1975, I couldn’t get enough.  Today, after three days in the park, I feel like my feet have been walking on hot embers and that someone has bludgeoned my back with a baseball bat.

Hey, Disney!  May I suggest  a new deluxe package?  You know…something that involves litter bearers carrying me from attraction to attraction?  Just a thought.

April 1, 2012   Comments Off on Tales from Disney World

The Xmas alligator, pelican and fusilli tales

Apparently children residing in the Florida Keys have been really, really naughty.  Instead of coals in their stockings (which would be bad enough) these children will be paid a visit by the Christmas alligator.

BTW, he has sharp teeth and powered head that moves back and forth.  His innards include a series of lights.  Or perhaps those are the remains of small children he has eaten.  I’m not sure which.

And then there is the red bow around his belly and the Santa hat.  (What? No smoking jacket and a pipe? Obviously not an upper class alligator.)

Clearly, he likes to perch on awnings, ready to pounce on victims passing below.

You should also meet its cousin, the Christmas Pelican.  If the alligator doesn’t gobble you up, then the Christmas Pelican will peck you to death.  Wearing what else?  A Santa hat.

Tis the season to peck you to death.

If that isn’t frightening enough, then meet the Christmas Fusilli. It’s been known to grow 20 feet tall and appear in groups of three.

Do those come with marinara sauce and garlic bread?

Faced with these three options, coal suddenly doesn’t look so bad.

December 15, 2011   2 Comments

Beauty treatment: cement + tire sealant

Well, Florida, you have outdone yourself once again.  I thought one of your residents had reached an all time low last spring with this little tale, but it seems that a couple more of your inhabitants took stupid to a new level.

A South Florida woman wanted to achieve a curvier posterior so she could work in nightclubs.  Trying to save a buck or two (who can’t relate to that?) she went to a woman who said she was a doctor, but wasn’t.

To achieve, that oh-so-curvy figure, that comes naturally to gluttons like me, she was injected with a concoction which included cement and flat-tire sealant.  For more details go here and here.

This is allegedly the fake doctor. Yeah, I know. We're thinking the same thing.

OMG, I know I shouldn’t laugh, but seriously how moronic do you have to be to subject yourself to this?!

People, use your head!  If you meet someone who doesn’t have a receptionist who makes you wait and is carrying a syringe, that is your first clue that you need to run in the opposite direction.

Injecting yourself with things that are sold in Home Depot is never a good thing.  (Did I mention that she sealed the incision with Super Glue?)

I shudder to think if the “patient” wanted blue eyes.  Then what?  Honey, come over here.  Let me inject your corneas with some toilet bowl cleaner.

Oh, you say you want thinner fingers?  No problem.  Let me grab my serrated bread knife.

You’d like to grow a little taller?  Mix in some of this lovely fertilizer with your morning latte.  You’ll be towering over everyone else in no time.

In ancient Sparta, there was a custom of throwing the weak and stupid ones off the tops of mountains.  Culling the gene pool, so to speak.  Right now, I could make a good argument for bringing that practice back.

November 27, 2011   1 Comment