Rantopolis

Category — Fantasy apps

Tales from Disney World

Or as my friend Denise calls it, The Kingdom of Hell.

Roadmap to blisters and heat exhaustion.

Required to be in Orlando for business on Monday, I thought I would take this opportunity to spend the weekend at Walt Disney World.  Because I am so tired after three days of being moused, all that I am capable of is a quick review of the highlights/lowlights.  Hi ho, hi ho…it’s off to blog, we go!

Dumb thing overheard at the Animal Kingdom:

Is that really an anteater or is that a dog with a costume on?

Dumb thing overheard at Hollywood Studios:

Mom!  I can’t believe that girl is wearing my shirt.  I don’t care though because I’m rockin’ it better than she is!

Constantly heard at the Magic Kingdom:

Children screaming non-stop for five hours.  What wasn’t heard was the quiet sound of me going insane.

Award for longest wait and lamest attraction ever:

Toy Story. Ninety minute wait only to end up on a seven minute ride where you get to shoot some targets.  If there was live ammo in that gun, I would have shot myself.

What this really means is that if you are over 50 this ride will kill you.

Weird things parents do:

Bring newborns to Disney World.  What could you be thinking?  It’s not like they are going to remember and you will be spending all of your time in the bathroom changing diapers anyway.

Most amazing meal:

Brown Derby/Hollywood Studios.  I called the manager over (who, btw, made Rupaul look straight) to compliment him on the service.)  That’s when the free stuff started to flow.  Champagne, dessert, etc.  My kind of restaurant and manager.  I even got called “sweet cakes.”  I’m guessing that’s not from the Disney handbook.

Second most amazing meal:

Sushi at Tokyo Dining in the Japan section of the World Showcase.  I have never been bowed to more in my life.  Plus the sushi killed.  Arrigato!

Restaurant voted most likely to make your eardrums bleed:

I did not realize that booking a table for lunch at the Rainforest Cafe at Animal Kingdom would be like the audio version of water boarding.  Next time I’m showing up with a machete.  (Click on the link below for nine seconds of audio hell.)

Rainforest

Amusing things seen at the gift shop:

Corn on the cob holders with mouse ears.  Crayons with Disney character heads. Tongs with Mickey hands on the end.  M&Ms in every color of the Pantone chart.  A $250 handbag with Disney logos. Wind chimes with Mickey heads.  4,273 key chain types.

I’m proud to say that I bought nothing, although I really eyeballed one of those African rain sticks.  Mostly because the sound momentarily pleasantly drowned out the screaming children.

Then and now:

The first time I visited the Magic Kingdom was 1975.  Those were the days of the paper ticket books and the coveted E-ticket rides.  Today’s iteration includes a fingerprint scan, iPhone apps and Fast Pass options to (allegedly) make your visit more efficient.

Back in 1975, I couldn’t get enough.  Today, after three days in the park, I feel like my feet have been walking on hot embers and that someone has bludgeoned my back with a baseball bat.

Hey, Disney!  May I suggest  a new deluxe package?  You know…something that involves litter bearers carrying me from attraction to attraction?  Just a thought.

April 1, 2012   Comments Off on Tales from Disney World

Fantasy apps which don’t include zombies

The aging process can be a big enough pain as it is, so you aren’t going to find me looking for ways to look uglier.

What with facials, masks, moisturizing regiments, waxing, plucking and God knows what else, I’m already spending a solid portion of my walking life trying to defy middle-age.  (May I refer you to the banner at the top of this page?)

So, when I came across the “3D Zombifier” iPhone app earlier today, I immediately reached for the garlic cloves and silver cross.  (It works for vampires, so I’m thinking it might also help with zombies.  What do I know.  I’m not a Twihard.)

Run to the nearest plastic surgeon. Seriously.

I’m definitely the wrong demographic for this app.  Clearly, I have no sense of humor when it comes to making myself uglier.  (Now, figure out a way to make me look younger and you’ve got my full, undivided attention.  I’ll become so funny that I’ll make Kathy Griffin look like Condoleeza Rice within 10 seconds.)

But just in case any app developers are listening, here’s my wish list for what you guys can work on that will make me a little happier.

1. Dow Jones fantasy app. The next time Greece, Portugal or some other fiscally-unstable country comes close to defaulting, instead of showing me those ugly red downward numbers, please create an app with floating unicorns backed by an Enya track.

2.  Weight Watchers fantasy app. I’d like an app that plays Celebrate when I put on weight.  Ideally chocolate cake topped with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s would also have the same number of points as a carrot and celery plate.

3.  Matchmaker app. This app would find me a partner based on 1040 filings, zip code and criminal record search.  That’s all the compatibility I need.

Now, that’s something I would totally pay 99 cents for.

June 15, 2011   Comments Off on Fantasy apps which don’t include zombies