Rantopolis

Why my ears almost left my head today

I normally go to spin class on Tuesdays and Fridays during lunch, but I thought it would a good idea to start the new year right by going today.  I checked my health club’s schedule and saw that there was a 11:30 a.m. class.  After logging a few hours at the computer doing end-of-the-year paperwork, I jumped into the car and raced to the class.

Walking into the room, I noticed the instructor.  Someone I didn’t recognize from some of the other classes I’ve attended.  She was a pleasant, pretty blond.  I am guessing she was about 40 years old.

She announced to the class that she was excited to be doing this New Year’s Day class.  In preparation, she had pulled about four hours of music from which to choose.  She said it was hard for her to boil her choices down to 45 minutes, but she was sure that we were going to love her selections.

Cool.  Brand new year.  High-energy spinning class.  I was ready to get my biking groove on.

So, I’m trying to guess what the first song was going to be.  Flo Rida?  Lady Gaga?  Taio Cruz? Nikki Minaj?  Chris Brown?  David Guetta?

I adjust the bike, jump into the saddle and set the resistance.   She leans over and plugs in her iPod into the room’s sound system.

I hear the first few notes.  I’m like….dude…seriously?!   Led fucking Zepplin?!!  This is a spinning class in 2012, not a bong party in the 70s!

I look around the room and everyone has this stunned expression on their faces.  They are probably thinking what I am thinking.  This is a warm up song.  This can’t be the vibe for the rest of the class.

Unfortunately it was.  With the exception of an Amy Winehouse song and a White Stripes track, everything she played was originally released on an LP.  (I started to expect Roaring 20s music.)

To make matters worse, she kept exclaiming at the beginning of every track, “Oh, you are going to love this one.”

Yeah, maybe in 1972, but today…not so much.   (Who picks an Amy Winehouse song for a spinning class?!!  Somebody who is trying to get you to commit suicide while on a bike?!!)

We segued from James Brown to the worst of Motown to the Doors.  I kept looking around the room for a lava lamp and a black light poster.

We struggled through 45 minutes of this aural torture and then some guy with a Scottish accent in the back of the room says, “You actually have four hours of this stuff, huh.  I am so grateful this class is ending.”

I almost fell off the bike laughing, but not before I shouted out, “I’m with him.”

It was so Norma Rae of me, don’t you think?

This was met with, “Oh, come on you guys.  You can’t be serious.  This is great music.”

Yeah, maybe if you are about to have root canal.  Or trying to entertain people in an assisted living home.  But for a spinning class in 2012?

Hell to the no!!

At the end of the 45 minutes, Miss I’m Going to Ignore the Class’s Feedback, asks if she should extend the class by playing more music.

No, no, NO!!  Please stop!!  I’ll give you the PINs to all of my accounts if you could please stop playing this shit immediately.

I get off the bike and walk by the Scottish dude.  I quietly say to him, if I stay in this room one more minute my ears are going to propel themselves off of my head.  He starts laughing loudly.

Decades after leaving school, I continue to disrupt the class.  Finally, something I can be proud of on this first day of the new year.

Wishing all of you a happy and healthy 2012.   Thanks very much for supporting Rantopolis in 2011.

Categories: Exercise torture