Spargel: the vilest of the vile

A long-time friend reminded me earlier today (okay, maybe “taunted” would be a better word) of my repulsion over the dreaded spargel.

Now, if you haven’t traveled to Germany or The Netherlands during April/May, then you may not be familiar with something that most consider a delicious delicacy.  I, on the other hand, consider it the culinary equivalent of vomit.

Just pass me the hemlock.

Spargel is what the Germanic/Dutch Europeans call white asparagus.  (In the interest of full disclosure, I do not discriminate against asparagus of any color.  The green version makes me gag as much as the white. I hate all genus and species of them, equally.)

Just so you know, at my coronation as Queen of the Universe, they will be banished from my land along with jeggings.

Quoting from a 1702 work by Louis Lemery, called the Treatise of All Sorts of Foods, “[Asparagus] cause a filthy and disagreeable smell in the urine, as every Body knows.”

See.  This is a guy I could hang with.  (Except my quote would read, “Asparagus causes a filthy and disagreeable taste and smell.”)

Back to this spargel business.

For business reasons, I would frequently find myself  in Europe during the limited spargel season.  My distaste for the spears became so legendary amongst friends and colleagues that they would try to figure out ways to torture me with them.

This is how you ruin chocolate.

During one vist, I was actually presented with a package of white chocolate that had been carefully molded into spargel spears.  (I’m telling ya…those people love their spargel.)

On a subsequent trip, I was convinced the city of Dusseldorf was slipping concentrate of spargel into the drinking water.

Paranoid, much?

So, today when a friend reminded (more like tortured) me of my spargel issue by sending me a photograph of a candy display featuring the white chocolate version, I knew it was time to rant.

Let me say, I am well aware that most people love asparagus.  And if you love asparagus you are likely to even be more in love with the white, tender baby version.

But, that is absolutely not the case for me.  Ask my mother.  I’ve been spitting this stuff up ever since I was a child.  (I would also come up with creative ways to bypass my mouth and shove it into the garbage when my mom wasn’t looking.)

It wasn’t until a few years back that I sort of got a reason for my aversion.   Turns out I’m a super taster.  Yup.  That’s me.  I have more tastebuds at the end of my tongue than most people, so there are some things that I may taste more strongly than most of your reading this.

So, that’s it.  I’ve revealed my achilles heal.  If you want me to divulge my bank card PIN and my social security number under duress, just wave one of those stalks in front of me.

I will cave like a California sink hole.

Categories: Disgusting things


1 Magee { 07.28.11 at 6:19 pm }

Since I’m the pal that taunted you with the white asparagus / chocolate look-alike, I stand accused! And guess what – I have “photos.” I wonder if Rantopolis’ readers realize how special the soil is treated for growing the little white veggies? Holes are dug and tiny mounds about a foot high cover them up so they grow carefully and in the dark. They are picked by hand – thus the expense. Mmmmmm Spargel Suppe!

I get the emetic feeling for certain foods, however. My most despised mouthfeel is peas: green peas, chick peas (hummus is okay), black-eyed peas; say “no peas, please.”

2 Sophia { 07.28.11 at 10:10 pm }

I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that the mound of dirt that surrounds the little suckers was previously a resident of some animal’s intestinal system. Just sayin. 🙂