Who doesn’t love a good rapture?!

Did you get the memo?  Yeah, the kooks are are saying that tomorrow, May 21st is Judgment Day.  Their interpretation is that those who are destined for heaven are going to be taken into “rapture” tomorrow.  The rest, the undeserving meanies, are going to remain on earth for another five months and subjected to torture.

These days, having the internet go down is what I would define as torture.  However, I’m guessing they are thinking something more serious.  Like both the internet and cable going down.  (BTW, I used to be married to Satan, so I’m super experienced with the whole torture thing.)

The five-month period is called “end of days.”  Which sounds more like the beginning of an Artic winter, than five months of physical and psychological abuse. But, what do I know.  I’m not that hip to rapture vocab.  (I speak a few languages, but “crazy,” isn’t one of them.)

I’m curious though.  How do these peeps know?  Are they on an ultra-exclusive rapture notification list?  Did they discover a rapture decoder ring at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box?  Is there a private Twitter account that you have to follow? Or did they find a leftover stash of Owsley LSD from the 60s and hallucinated the whole thing?  (My money is on the Owsley tabs.)

Or maybe it’s an excuse to get lazy.  I mean…if you think that some big eternity decision is going to be made tomorrow, it’s like getting an open invitation to slack today.

Now that I think about it, one of my clients decided to play golf today.  Hmmm.  I wonder if he’s on the rapture notification list?  (If you’ve been reading about my trials and tribulations with the painting contractors, you know that those guys are totally in the know.)

As for me, I’ve got an eye exam scheduled for tomorrow morning.    Hey rapture peeps, I’d rather skip the whole pupil dilation thing if tomorrow turns out to be the real deal.  So, can you please notify me at breakfast.

Much appreciated.

Categories: What is wrong with you?