Rantopolis

I’m being yelled at by an avatar

Yes, that’s right.  Four times a week at about 7-ish a.m., Nikki the Avatar (whom I refer to as Nikki the Bitch) yells at me.

Apparently, it is not enough to have crabby shouty business people segue in and out of my life. Since the beginning of January, I’ve also invited a computer-generated avatar to yell at me.  Cause apparently you just can’t have enough shouting in your life.

My flat screen is yelling at me.

Let me introduce you to Nikki.  She’s on the right with the orange tank.  That’s me, or more correctly, my avatar is on the left.

My day begins with my strapping arm band sensors on both forearms and on my right thigh.  (Don’t go there.)  The band on the left forearm also acts as a heart rate monitor.  This enables my avatar to mimic my movements.

From the moment the sensors are activated, I have to follow Nikki’s lead.  If not…she will yell at me.  This is what my life has become.

Every workout is different, but I typically end up running, mountain biking, boxing, basketball/soccer drills, skipping and squats and more.  Usually about 35 or so exercises lasting about 45 minutes or so.

Let me stress the squats.  Lots and lots of freaking squats.  I hate squats. Despise, loathe and seriously can’t stand squats.

Sumo squats, stride jump squats, squats with resistance bands….pretty much every variation of squats.  Accompanied by sweating. Lots of sweating.  I hate sweating.  But not as much as I hate squats.  Are you getting the message? Squats and sweating.  Hate ’em.

See the heart rate monitor and calorie counter on the top left part of the screen?  (Nikki has the highest security clearance possible.  Translation?  She knows my weight so my actual calorie burn can be calculated.  Not my fake driver’s license weight or the “lie by 10 pounds best friend telling” weight.  Nikki knows my real weight.  You know what this means, right?  I will eventually have to kill her.  Just sayin’.)

During our 45 minute session, I usually burn close to 300 calories.  Mostly because I try to stay on maximum effort.  Cause if I do, Nikki won’t yell at me.  And, that means I can hit the shower more quickly.

If she’s yelling that means the sensors are telling her I’m not doing something right.  Which also means the clock stops.  And that means the workout could theoretically last until lunch.  Which also would mean that I would be forced eat the flat screen TV.

Also, just sayin’.

Categories: Exercise torture , Stop yelling at me