Rantopolis

Middle-aged women: losing weight tutorial

Weight loss articles usually don’t make me convulse in laughter, but I ran across one today that did.

Cut to the chase, I’d rather die grossly obese with blood pressure in the low 200s than try to follow this little torture program.

Tip #1.  Exercise one hour per day.  Sure no problem.  That’ll happen as soon as I get the memo announcing that a day now has 30 hours.  Here’s the thing.  I’m already exercising five days a week, usually 30 to 45 minutes each time.   You want me to exercise one hour every day?  Great.  Lemme know who will be interfacing with my clients, assisting my elderly mother and watching reality TV on my behalf.

Tip #2.  Step up the intensity of your exercise. Oh, right.  Like I’ve been reading romance novels while casually step dancing?!  The article gives an example of a person who weighs 180 pounds and cycles 14 miles per hour can burn in excess of 800 calories.

Umm…if you are a middle-aged woman, weighing 180 pounds and can cycle anywhere close to two-digits per hour then I think you should get a Nike commercial contract.  Trust me…I’ve cycled plenty during warm weather.  My goal is covering something close to 10 miles per hour.  Exerting myself to that degree usually means that my heart is beating through my chest, my legs are cramping and I’m sweating blood.   Fourteen miles per hour?  The only way I’m going to achieve that is if I die while biking and the whole assembly gets strapped onto a hearse.

Tip #3. Decrease calories by 500 per day. Since I am already on a calorie-reduced diet, this additional reduction would mean that I will be eating paint chips for two of my three meals.  Yum.

Tip #4.  Lift weights six days a week. How ’bout if I just take piles of weight-loss books and start hurling them out the window?  I believe that would also assist with hand/eye coordination and balancing.  See…that’s me.  Always thinking.

Bottom line.  I’m willing to take a look at new ways to boost weight loss.  Let’s make them a little more practical, shall we?  Otherwise a whole slew of middle-aged women will be rolling their eyeballs while looking over their reading glasses…and secretly dreaming about chocolate.

Categories: Exercise torture , Fat attack

3 comments

1 Pat Magee { 02.12.11 at 9:30 am }

Who cares about it after a certain age, anyway! EAT MORE CHOCOLATE is my motto. “Money Talks – Chocolate Sings!”
Happy VD, Soph!!!

2 Nikki { 02.12.11 at 6:26 pm }

LOL!!! You made my day!

3 Hallie { 02.18.11 at 5:57 pm }

14 mph on a bike? I’m going to need to find a long hill.